What in the heck was I thinking??
Major Hammock Fail By: Paige
It all started a few years ago when my daughter’s friend was jumping on my brand new hammock and broke the metal stand. I have no idea why she would pick my hammock to jump on when there was a perfectly good trampoline 25 feet away, but I won’t pretend to understand what goes through a kids head.
Jumping forward 2 years, I still have a brand new hammock and no stand. I decided it was time to Hellbilly Engineer a stand so I could lie in the sun and enjoy my still new hammock (or so I thought).
My first failed attempt was trying to use two metal T-Post.
No I was Not Wearing A Hard Hat
For those of you that don’t know what these are, they are the green metal posts that are used for putting up fencing. I asked Google the exact specifications for installing a hammock, I had dug through the junk in my garage until I found two S hooks that would fit into the tops of the post, and then I went through the trouble of pounding the posts into the ground (not an easy job). It took me about a half hour or so to get them pounded through my rock filled clay soil. I chose a sunny 90 degree day to do this; I’m now sweating profusely, exhausted and thirsty.
I hooked my hammock up to the post and slowly lower myself onto it. I didn’t want to hit the ground with a thud if something went wrong (thank god I thought ahead). Like I thought might happen I lowered myself right onto the ground. One of the posts bent in more than the other and didn’t hold my weight. At this point in time my daughter Joslynn and my friend Robin are laughing hysterically at me. I’m sitting on the ground in my hammock with the post bent like a rainbow. I’m not happy, I just want to lie down in my damn hammock and enjoy the sun.
I noticed that one of the posts actually stayed semi up right so I think to myself, “I can use that post and find something else for the other side”. I’m on a mission in my yard to find something that will work for the other side of the hammock. Bingo, I see my old A-frame wooden swing stand. You know the kind of swing that is made of logs and slats of wood. I drag the stand over to the middle of my yard and notice that I now have to pull the stupid bendy post out of the ground. Remember how crappy my soil is, it took me twice as long and more energy to get the stupid thing back out of the ground.
Now that that is taken care of, I drag the swing frame over to the exact spot Google told me it needed to be and used the T-Post that bent less on my last attempt for one side of the hammock and the wooden swing frame as the other side. I decided that the swing would hold my weight better if I was hooked onto the eye-hoop from the end of it instead of coming in from the front. My daughter drew you a picture, so you can see what I am explaining.
After going into the house to reward myself by grabbing a Busch Light (for my thirst and great effort), I am now convinced this is the answer to my hammock stand problem and I’m ready to give it a try. At this point in time Joslynn and Robin had gone into the house to grab something to eat and mess around on the computer. I am now alone outside and ready to relax on my ‘new’ hammock.
It’s time for round two of testing the stability of my Hellbilly Rigged stand.
I am so hopeful and convinced this is going to work that I made sure to grab my supplies needed to lie down and relax (magazine, phone, cigarettes and a lighter). Like the first time, I slowly lower myself down onto the hammock. So far so good, the post bends a little but my butt remains off of the ground. Heck yes, I did it or so I thought! I decided it was safe to fully commit myself to the hammock; I pull my legs up onto the hammock and lay down. After about ten seconds of enjoyment (not even enough time to grab my magazine) holy **** the entire A-Frame swing stand is in slow motion coming at me end over end. Since I am lying down on the hammock there wasn’t much I could do to get off or stop it.
A million things are running through my head, the one that sticks out the most is, “holy moly this is going to hurt”!
I did what any normal person would do and threw my arms and legs up into the air to try and stop it from landing on me. I’m now lying on the ground (again) with my hands and feet in the air trying to hold this stupid gigantic wooden structure up. Since I was holding up my own weight along with the swing stand my arms are shaking and ready to give out. I make a quick assessment of the situation trying to figure out my options (there aren’t many). I decide the old handy dandy let go, tuck and roll maneuver is my best option. Here goes nothing! In one swift and quick move I let go of it and flipped over so the stupid thing wouldn’t land on my face.
I was knocked out cold!
I’m now pinned underneath the wooden swing, slowly waking up from being knocked out cold trying to remember what happened. My head is throbbing and I’m already sore all over. Wow, this sucks! I have to figure out how to extricate myself from underneath the swing. I somehow manage to get out from underneath it without throwing up (I was so dizzy and sick to my stomach, this was not easy). My head is killing me so I touch the back of my head with my hand and oh crap, there is blood everywhere. I sit there for a couple of minutes trying to get my bearings straight. I decided I needed to have someone look at my head wound so I tried making it to the house; I made it as far as the deck and had to sit down. This is not a good sign! I am sitting on the deck calling for my daughter. She comes outside after a few attempts of getting her attention and I ask her the first thing that comes to my mind, “is my head bleeding”? I guess I just needed confirmation that I wasn’t hallucinating, I don’t know!
She checks out my head freaks out and goes to get Robin. She will know what to do; she works at Chelsea Hospital (in Radiology). They take me into the house run my head under water at the kitchen sink to better see the wounds (yes I said wounds as in plural). After a lot of arguing that I needed to go to the Emergency Room for stitches, I won and didn’t go (that would mean I had to leave my house, not happening)!
I knew I needed to keep ice on it.
I decided that holding a bag of ice on my head while trying to stay awake (Concussion) wasn’t my cup of tea. I had to come up with a way to keep the ice on my head without having to hold it, so I Hellbilly Rigged once again, I took the ice and a bandanna and put the ice on my head under the bandanna Aunt Jemima style. We finally got the bleeding to stop and I iced my head like I was supposed to 20 minutes on, 20 minutes off.
I won’t bore you with the details but this hammock fail (incident) started a whole slew of medical issues. I eventually went to the doctors because I started passing out cold for no reason, my head wounds never healed right and when the stupid wooden structure landed on me it pinched nerves in my back.
The moral of the story is that sometimes it’s good to just get off your wallet and buy what you need instead of being a Hellbilly!
Tell me what you think in the comments below!!
If you want to read another crazy day in the life of Hellbilly Mama check out this post: